sergeant

2010-07-23T08:19:00.001-07:00

所以渐渐的我们在别人里面失去自我成了别人，站得住脚的，别人称为勇敢疯狂的他们；所以他们便成了别人眼中的别人。

2009-12-16T19:58:00.001-08:00

omgosh. i just had a massacre with insects. I HATE INSECTS!

2009-11-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

a.r.g.h.

what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen?what's gonna happen??!

God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.God is there to make things happen.

2009-10-31T23:16:00.001-07:00

嘴里也含着鱼钩来搏斗,
　　输的鱼,是不会掉泪的。
　　
　　那些心爱的石头，
　　有的会被海浪卷走，
　　有的会被别人卷走，
　　有的会永远留在原地。
　　每一颗小小石头，
　　都有悲欢离合的命运。
　　
　　颁奖的音乐响起时，我觉得好尴尬。
　　第一名的人，兴奋过头，休克送到医院急救，无法领奖。
　　第二名的人，不服气输，拒绝领奖。
　　第四名的人，因为不是前三名，没脸领奖。
　　第五名的人说："第四名的人都不领奖了，
　　我也不好意思领奖。
　　第三名的人真寂寞。
　　明明是一件很快乐的事情嘛？--几米

2009-10-31T22:57:00.000-07:00

我看见一个父亲，

牵着幼小的儿子急促的，两步并一步的飞奔前进。

儿子气喘吁吁，无力的恳求父亲放慢脚步歇一会儿，因为他实在是累了，他跟在他后面走真的好累。　

但父亲不耐烦地转过头，眉间紧锁着忧愁，说：“你如果不让爸爸飞快前进，带你穿过浩瀚人群，冲到人群的前面，你和我一生的幸福就毁在一时的身体的疲惫之下。”

于是他继续拖着他跑，孩子的眼皮早已沉重得蒙住了双眼。

“不是不知道幸福，而是我们有时候太贪心 ” --几米

2009-10-31T22:44:00.000-07:00

蚂蚁最大的生活哲学应该就是学会原谅，学会不去多想多思索，因为它们的一生都在战战兢兢下度过，却怎么也无法明白，它们只是在生活罢了，怎么会有那么多只手无情的想将它们一扫而尽？

那天，我和佩琦在转角的咖啡厅碰面。

她已经当上公司的高级顾问，一身穿的是颇为专业的衣裳裙子，喷的是高级香水，散发一种很有魅力的女强人气息。我们坐下来，高谈陈年往事，聊起毕业以后的生活。

“成长太无趣了。”　佩琦说。　“人活着，像是只蚂蚁。”

“哪是！我们就比蚂蚁强多了。至少不用在踏出每一步后都得担心下一秒钟会否被其他人踏死。”

。。。“差不多吧。你告诉我，幸福是什么？”

“幸福不就是快乐么？”

她望着落地窗外忙忙碌碌的人群，心不在焉的搅着咖啡。

“我听过一则故事，说小狗正在寻找幸福，却一直都找不到。它便去问妈妈，“妈妈妈妈，幸福在哪里？”妈妈说，幸福就在你尾巴后面。于是小狗便一直追着自己的尾巴跑，却始终追不到幸福。他沮丧的回头向妈妈抱怨，根本没有幸福。妈妈笑着说，“只要你挺起胸膛向前直走，幸福就自然会跟在你后头了。””

她叹了一口气，举起杯子细细品尝。

“所以，你觉得自己很难挺起胸膛向前直走吗？所以困惑？” 我问道。

“我觉得，自己像是一只蚂蚁---不，我更羡慕蚂蚁。它们只懂得生活，不懂得生活是好是坏，只懂得这样，生活着。”

她将最后一口的咖啡喝完，挺身起立。

“我得走了。还得赶报告。那么，再会喽。”　说完，无精打采的挥一挥手，提起公事包离去。

我望着她的身影，像是薄片一样，似乎被人踩踏过。她扫开裙子上的饼干屑，像是刚爬过深邃的洞穴一样，扫开遗留的土壤。她推开玻璃门，加入了庸碌的人群。

我看不见她身后的尾巴。

忽然间，我不再羡慕她的ＬＶ包包。

忽然间，我只想细细的品尝我还热着的ｅｓｐｒｅｓｓｏ．　

2009-10-30T07:41:00.001-07:00

从火车开动，穿过巍峨青山经过平静湖水的那一刻起，车厢里的我如坐针毯。我和对坐的婆婆素不相识，却在她身上隐约感受到了家乡的气息。是啊，我那曾经回不了的家。

往事早已随晨光飘散，当年倔强的离家出走，不服输的在外头流荡，一荡就是十多年，荡走了青春荡走了时间。现在不再沉睡了，甩开过去想终于回家，让生活重新开始。婆婆蹒跚着走出车厢，到了吗？我的家乡？

一踏上月台，连吹来的风也如此的感觉亲切。这一顷刻像是游人羁旅了半个世纪终于回到国土的感动。毫无疑问，这果然是我可爱的家乡。我步向前方延伸的路，沿着家乡熟悉的陈旧的无比亲切的路标踏步回家去。

一路上，想起很多事；想起在襁褓时的事，紧锁着眉头去回忆妈妈追着年幼的我闯街串巷只为能够打我的手心一下。想起邻居阿姨用擀面杖擀着面皮捏着水饺，时不时将面粉顽皮的洒在我的头上。想起与街坊好友那些必须消音的嬉闹游戏，和假装扬帆出海，然后凯旋归来的胡闹。。。

而我如今确实回来了，只是没有凯旋的风光。

慢慢地，接近了还是让人感觉温暖的屋檐。没有别墅的豪华，只是简朴的一个窝；在外流踏了这么久，一身尘埃仿佛在这里一下就能洗刷干净。没有城市灯火的倒影在水中荡漾，却有灯光阑珊的破旧灯笼卦在街头巷尾，那是历史的见证，是我们共同的童年记忆的一部分。

我停下了脚步；前方伫立的那位鬓角发白的老人。。。是我爸爸？

脸上的皱纹多了那么多，衣袖破了，怎么不补回去？手上的茧。。。是你的沧桑吗？因为我的失踪，你一夜间是否瞬间衰老了许多？

只听见你一声叹气，对着我大声呼喊：“喂，小姐！迷路了吗？”

是啊，迷路了好久好久了。迷了十多年的路了。

“。。。嗯。” 哽在喉咙的泪让我难以发声。。

“往那边去？”

“往。。。回家的路。”

“啊?那我可帮不了你啦。回家的路也会忘掉，你怎么这样啊。” 然后又低头默默扫去院子里散落一地的枯枝落叶，弯曲的身子在夕阳中像是背负着沉重的包袱；背了十多年的包袱。

我转过身，泪水簌簌而下。捂住嘴巴，不愿打搅这一片宁静。

我认得回家的路。我并没有忘记。从来，从来也没有忘记过。我记得我深爱的脸孔；你的，一切。爸爸，你的一切我不忘记过。

我认得回家的路。家园就在转身后。但家，早已迷糊在我被蒙蔽已久的双眼里。。。

( 有些句子取自其他散文）

2009-09-08T05:49:00.001-07:00

freedom from God is the only freedom that won't hurt.

2009-09-01T03:02:00.000-07:00

today's the eve of the official start of my prelims paper. GP paper takes off tomorrow at 8.

so i thought i would jot down some thoughts now to serve as memory - good or bad - years down the road.

these 2 years have been like a massive overwhelming i dont know.. flood? something of that nature and something of that scale. It's truly a test of character and determination; a test of emotional and psychological strength, which i know may sound weak at this point in time considering that so many people have taken the same path, felt the same way, except to complain less. but i guess, life's gotta be like tat. this is my first glimpse to life on a larger scale; the glimpse into a full picture depicting what life would be. my first obstacle at the age of 18, not a seriously major one, but one that is enough to make me feel tired and drained. and i guess the exams thing, the rat race, paper chase all of those excesses that overspilled from a local education is just a trigger to overturn any concealing stones inside me that were hiding all the ugly weaknesses i had in me.

and that's when change is going to happen.

having had a really smooth sailing life for 16 years in my life, no major hiccups (okay, except some) that really caused me to go boo-hoo everyday in the week. that's why i think of this experience now as a learning one, a process of rediscovering (or discovering) what is inside me and to change all that need to go and to store up all that is good. The enormous unknown still lurks beneath the surface, but i am learning, to let go... and of cos, what i have been reminded of again and again and still learning to do so... to let God.

I guess this is the most crucial lesson i have learnt at the end of the day; maybe the only lesson that i am supposed to learn.

that apart from God, we are like branches fit only to be thrown into fire.

I really really need God's strength, and many may say that this is yet another piece of evidence that only the weak relies on God; but i think this is how God disciplines His child. To break me down and pick me up again, becos i was so stubborn; and deliriously self-righteous; not conscious at all to the things that i have overlooked. i thought too that i knew how to be focused, how to be determined; i thought i was a person of high EQ; i believed - i truly did- that there is a solution to every problem. But now, i have a new perspective; that there is a solution to every problem, but only when you solve it with God. that's the ultimate solution that definitely leads to the right way; the will of God which therefore will surely lead to only good things.

it is from this seemingly insignificant problem that raised me to awareness of so many things- including myself, including my faith.

If i were the people who listened to my grumblings and well, misery, ya, i would scorn in my heart and label her as loser. i did even question myself, why am i such a loser. but hey, a follower of Jesus leads a victorious life, and i am going to claim that. I am now aware of that and i am gonna claim the victory i have in Jesus; whatever form the victory takes.

To the me who might be reading this a few years later, remember what took place during this period of time. Don't forget this lesson again. ever.

2009-07-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

他相信，对她的爱能给他生命中缺乏的勇气。
所以，随着瀑布跳下去。
他看着他活生生，让水载走，
责备，
何必非要让他像自己一样
假装勇敢？
后来，每天3点，
他变成他，
因为跳下去了，所以是勇敢的，
即使他的勇敢是透过他来表现，
而他
愿意用自己的生命，
替他诉说，
是啊，蔡子涵为爱，有多勇敢。
（沉睡的青春。看后感）

2009-07-10T20:05:00.001-07:00

简单的幸福
以为我了解
但
简单的幸福
是什么？

2009-06-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

realised im not as focused as i was a few years back.
but is this supposed to bother me?
or is this just change that is inevitable?
am i supposed to be.. affected by it and try to go back to find the attitude that i had?
or do i live with it..
it isnt all that bad to be more relaxed, but
it isnt all that wonderful to be not focused,
which is why i am bothered by it now.
:(

2009-06-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

曾经说过，丰满的心一定是空荡的心被灌摄温暖的点滴，而所以心必须先被掏空。
也曾说过，空虚的夜让灵魂飘曳在任何地方，只要没有方向牌。
却当坐在一群人当中，聊起天堂，顿时发现自己一点概念也没有。只是听，听他们说在天堂里欢呼喜乐，时间跳出壁钟的限制，不再捆绑着我们。能和天使一起，不停息地赞扬，多么幸福。
直到那一瞬间，才发现自己的卑微，自己的骄傲。
当我挣扎着原谅自己一直想飞离现状的同时，却越挣扎越坠落。坠落在自己里面，空荡的心越变越狭窄。执着着的什么，真的不确定到最后是否真的那么想要。所以仍然无法原谅，因为无法解释。
却忘了，或是，却忽略了，所有因为的所以，他都能给。
纯粹的快乐，坦荡的解脱，只能来自于纵横天堂和世界的那一个十字架。
或者是刻意去逃避的，因为想掌权。
越反省，越自责，却又好像越来越豁然开朗。
或许温暖的点滴，已经快酝酿好了吧，快要从天堂直接，不转弯地，灌摄进我这一颗跳动的心里去。

2009-06-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a longggg time since i last blogged, but this time i really feel the urge to post this piece.. i think it is probably becos i really want to share this with everybody, the amazing power of His grace and simply, His help and presence.
It's 1.23am now, friday 12june, and i just arrived home from student camp day two.
and i am really relieved, though tired, but glad and pleased..
so the whole day's story is as such:
in the morning, i was preparing for the indoor games. It was quite nervewrecking becos i never trust IT stuff. IT stuff are too risky for me and i really don't like to do such games.. (altho i was looking forward to hbj)..
and i thought i was fully prepared, with the ppt slides done(altho changed over and over again due to technical glitches etc etc), with the people ready, with the hps done(sorry i made it a little sticky!!!!!!!sorry!!!) and i really tot it was okay.
and i din have the time, so called, to really ask God for strength and power; the whole time was preparing preparing preparing, last min checks etc.. altho my heart really yearns to go to Him in prayer, and seek Him in prayer before i go up on stage.. becos i needed to do storyline(which i din really think i can lol><) and the other la la zha zha thing.
and up on stage i was really at a loss.
things din go smoothly, and i was really disheartened. REALLY. i think campers can tell from my face. I let it show, becos i was so tired(so were the other helpers and gong zuo ren yuans, leaders etc) and to face an audience is really so...... exhausting.. and somemore things werent going the way we would have wanted it to be. hbj was.. slightly better; it was pretty entertaining, engaging, but again, problems cropped up and WHOA, i was near to tears. it was SO nervewrecking and the disappointing thing is also that i noe it could have been much better.
After teh whole indoor games thing, my mood really was VERY bad. no confidence, no energy. really, zap. gone, nothing, too tired to think and care. and i was feeling so uncomfortable. Probably becos of the recent late nights and improper meals.. for the first time in my life i felt my stomach turn upside down and i feel the gastric juices reflux in my stomach; i SOOO wanted to vomit; i almost did. and it was so horrible bcos there's still night games at night. near to a breakdown; if someone came to talk to me; i would have. but luckily i didnt haha. but the point here is to share how much i felt the love that this church has, as a community, as we come to care for each other becos we are bro and sis in Christ.
Cindy Teow came at night, and she saw me in the futang, then she asked me if i have eaten etc.. and i replied, er no. and then she went down to get an apple for me. i was really v gandong, and yar, i felt the love that we have as a church.. that you noe, altho we quite bu shou (altho she was my grp leader HAHA) but still, we care for each other and i was really touched..
and my juniors. THEY HELED ME A LOT THROUGHOUT THIS TIME. and i am really SO thankful for their help and support. without which i could nv have completed all the work in such a short time.
and also, for yongsheng, who really emphatised with me throughout the whole thing, after the failure i think i experienced for the night games.. He really helped me a lot in settling a lot of stuff of the night games stuff..
and all the station masters and helpers for the day's prog. so understanding, so supportive, so encouraging..
and yar.. it's just a really thankful kind of feeling lor.. not just that my "prog" ended today, but more of the kind of love exhibited by people in this church; the kind of special bondage and support we all share in times of need and when i needed it alot..
yar. and i never experienced so greatly the need for prayer before..
like, i really know now, how we can really reach God thru prayers, how God will listen, and how we should really just bare our hearts and ASK, becos he really aldy noes how we feel and what we need. even if answer is no, it is an absolute..
OH YA. speaking bout that. last nite during cluedo, i was suppposed to act. but to b honest, i really dunno what and how to act. i was in the toilet, and for the frist 2 groups i really like blurge, duno how, what to do etc, i even told them wrong info. then i prayed, i asked, God, help me thru this, help me to act, teach me to act.." then from there, slowly, as more groups come in, a story pictured in my mind, a short story line and an idea of what to act, and emotions came inside me and ya.. mangaed to scare a few kids i guess.. i duno, but i really felt that it was God teaching me and helping me.
so yar, that's all. mayb extend a bit another day..

2009-06-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

我们的未来将会是什么样子的。
五年后，十年后，还有更久更久的以后。
谁会留下来谁会离开。
会为谁流泪。
我闭上眼睛我看不到谁。
我看不到东西，我看到一片漆黑。
但我用眼睛在黑暗中寻找明天
灰暗的黑夜里倚着灯柱浸泡在光明中。
如果我十七岁
只懂得听歌玩电脑看电影喝东西
黑暗或许不会那么浓烈。

2009-04-27T03:36:00.000-07:00

for God created life for us to enjoy, not to endure.
for God is the voice that called the universe to be.
for one day all would end, and i would return,
and as for now i already have what i should have.

2009-04-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

童话故事里，美人鱼因为爱上人类而千方百计想成为人类。
王子变成青蛙后，迫不及待公主快亲吻他，好让他能再变回人类。
童话故事的作者把丰富的想象力聚集起来，成为一个又一个陪伴小朋友长大的小故事。但是，他们是否太高估人类了，认定什么动物都想要成为自己一样的，用双脚走路，用灵魂生活的人类？
为什么青蛙不能单纯的只是一个想要做自己的，在池水里游泳跳跃的青蛙？
为什么美人鱼不能是一个满足于自己美丽的尾巴的美人鱼？
为什么变成青蛙的人就一定会想要把自己再变回去？
为什么他们不能够想要继续当青蛙，永远不要被公主亲吻？
为什么不能是人类爱上了美人鱼，所以想变成美人鱼？

为什么一切都是 “由我们做主？”

2009-03-15T18:40:00.000-07:00

我选择我最想要的
可是一个人反而笑开了

2009-03-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

Getting Gold is so amazing.
Whoohoo!
it's been 2 years since the last drill comp.
and i remember still so clearly that when we were standing at attention when they were announcing the results, a lot of us were in tears aldy.
2 years later, we've got a GOLD!
but the contingent didnt get to witness the historical moment..
owells, hope that a few years down the road, gb will still be like that; striving TOGETHER for a common goal, all for one one for all.

in my lifetime of 17+ years, there are 2 people in the service field that left an impact on me. one from IKEA, the other from parkway starhub.

i like nice people behind the counter haas.

2009-02-27T19:05:00.000-08:00

而欢呼之后呢？

个身的深度也要配合世界的世俗
否则个身的深度也是没什么作用的。

2009-02-22T04:00:00.001-08:00

into your hands
i commit again
with all i am
for you Lord.

2009-02-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

如果要把这一生作结论
标准谁来定
会不会挺起胸膛理直气壮
说没有遗憾

我真的活着
可我真的存在吗
追求的最后都拥有吗
而如果没有
那会难过吗
---

寂寞
是身体里面缺少了一块
空洞得悲伤有了回音
回声迂绕还没被掏空的地方所以
想
找一个人
用力抱着
把寂寞空隙挤成近乎零
但也明白
饱满的心一定是
温暖的点滴
灌摄进
空心的心。而所以
心
必须先
被掏空。然而
被掏空的心
是那
寂寞的
缺口。

2009-02-18T04:13:00.001-08:00

my unsightly feet with blisters.
I love this life.
.
.
.
.
:O
no joke:)

2009-02-14T20:59:00.000-08:00

爱情和婚姻有什么关系。
生活和生命有什么关联。
我看着时光荏苒
我无法留住
一切该溜走的。
所以我无法阻止自己不感叹。
活过大半辈子
才发现自己分量稀薄的渺小。
寂寞跟着年龄苍老，
越老越醇厚，越深刻。
十七岁时作的梦
比起现在的没有梦
来得漂亮很多。
却只能感叹
生命
无声唏嘘。

2009-02-14T20:04:00.001-08:00

disliking someone for something that she does that you won't do.
that's arrogance.

2009-02-10T00:26:00.001-08:00

just tot that i should post this up:)

2009-02-09T03:10:00.000-08:00

what in this world is worth living for,
what in this world is forever.
what can we hold that will not fade,
what can we hope for and long for it forever.
what will not slip away from our enclosed palms,
what will house my heart.
who can embrace me and fill the empty with such warmth,
who can lift the loneliness away.
who can understand me inside out
who knows my deepest fears and secrets.
when do i not hear,
when do i not see,
when do i not speak,
God, of your love.
what do i fear,
what do i not have,
what do i vie for,
God, when you are here.
when your voice called the universe to be,
God,
we come near you,
you who brought us here with your voice,
to be,
God,
our God.

2009-02-08T05:45:00.001-08:00

the greatest love that anyone could ever know
that overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
and till i see you face to face
and grace amazing takes me home
i'll trust in You.

""Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down."
Matthew 14:29-32

2009-02-08T03:58:00.000-08:00

so many places i want to go!
唐代诗人really把我逼疯了。
lucky i had my bak gua and pineapple tarts.
gogo, spurred on!
---
and till i see you face to face
and graze amazing takes me home
i'll trust in You.

2009-01-31T09:36:00.001-08:00

如果我敢追求我就敢擁有嗎
而如果都算了不要呢

2009-01-30T04:03:00.000-08:00

some people want to make it big.
pack up all their loads and fly themselves to their dreamland.
some people want to make it big.
they believe in collecting small achievements that mount up to a big one.
some people want to make it big.
keep building sandcastles in the sky and watch them crumble through an imaginary ground.
some people want to make it big.
they don't have nothing to start off with.
some people want to make it big.
cover themselves with a big black cloth and walk the path few will take.
some people want to make it big.
for reasons they don't truly apprehend.
some people want to make it big.
hold the plough and pave their own ways.
some people want to make it big.
shoving everybody else along their way to the side of the common road.
everybody wants to make it big.
yet not everybody makes it big.

"Let me never, having put my hand to the plough, look back."

2009-01-28T23:50:00.000-08:00

哇。
learnt a new skill again today. learnt to do voice over.
every event teaches me some new IT stuff lol!
the other time, the pa(rty)lette thing learnt to do converting and video editing. lol not very professional, but at least i know how to operate the programme now! whee.
new experiences
哇。
anw, was on my way home when i thoroughly realised 人性的渐行性的腐败。。 witnessed a lot of interesting scenes in that short one hour plus (did a detour back.)
maybe i should take up sociology next year also lol.
哇。
the font is driving me mad but i shall not care about it too much.

2009-01-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

wahh. it hurts to see ashin sing with a bad throat.
poor ashin!

2009-01-25T07:06:00.000-08:00

lost my Uniball 0.38 blue ink pen :(
though it's just a very ordinary ink pen, it's been with me for pretty long and
argh it's kinda sad that it's gone and i cannot remember where it was last used!
not sure if im feeling sad becos of the pen loss or becos i lost the pen.
argh but either way, my pen's gone!
boo.

2009-01-25T00:42:00.000-08:00

你消失不见了。
泪线像开关坏了
无止尽的流
流
没感情的热泪。

别人看了都不忍心
都说时间过了就会淡了
说别再想他了
快快去睡吧
睡了
就忘了。

但是
我最想听到的
却不让我听见

我抬头看
挂在墙上的时钟
嘀嗒嘀嗒嘀嗒。
怎么还不把悲伤
从我这边
带走呢？

爱都榨干了
没有爱了。
时间怎么
还能愈合
已没有爱流的伤口呢？

我最想听的
不过是
听筒彼端的
你的沉厚声音。

不想
只听得到
旁边的人嚷嚷

和

听筒传来
寂寞的
那阵

嘟
嘟
声。

-inspired by liangjingru

2009-01-24T18:01:00.000-08:00

inkheart is an above average movie.
and since kahhui has the guts to actually call me an impulsive monster buyer, i must reciprocate here.
SHE'S THE REAL SPENDTHRIFT!!
(but i dun regret buying those though. heh. and i've got a free zebra from you so i dun mind u being the real monster!! :D:D keep it up!)

2009-01-22T05:30:00.000-08:00

i bu she de go offline lol. so shall blog finally about my own trivia...
I'm gonna profess my love for my year 2 teachers. I HEART MY YEAR 2 TEACHERS! what a great greattt greattttt difference they've made this year for my class! i sense the hope coming up like a linear graph! (graph is unfortunately present in all the subjects except lit. good symbolisation haas.)
But SIGH SIGH SIGH. stress of the real world. not about you you and what you like to do anymore. time to get real; although now it's a bit late lol. Got to start building that big thing portfolio. How artificial.. how.. plastic. So i dun think i m gonna change my stand still. Nope, i will just let things be. and maintain my freedom to choose..
Went to accompany kahhui to sports doc just now.. she had this HOT PINK thing pasted on her knee whatever purpose it is for. i tot she highlighted something on her knee lol. so striking. sorry mj, for pangsehing you! :X but anw, aft tat, went to east point and sigh. money gone again. but it's okay! first purchase of the year:)
I'm gonna reignite the flame for photography.
积极积极！！

2009-01-22T04:25:00.000-08:00

我努力的保持微笑
越笑越是悲伤
只是没有人察觉到
我压抑着的真相

我本来不爱说谎话
为了生活开始习惯
别人的流言无法穿耳而忘
怎么还能听到你的呼招

过去的就让时间
按本分的带走
回不去的别再用自己的力量
拼了命挽回
时间在往前行走
我却逆着往回走
越走越踏进深渊
能到达的却只是回忆
很美却不真的存在

再痛的伤让神为你磨平
别刻意避开逃避
曾经的寂寞不也让他填补了
在回忆穿梭的你怎没回到那个时候

暂时别哭一下
哭了就听不到
很多的声音和你的呼招
过往辉煌再追逐下去
只会变成烟尘
是时候了是时候向他投降了

i'm fine haha. I think God put the first stanza into my head randomly.. 我没有不是真正的快乐！Dun nid think too much haas!

2009-01-21T02:33:00.000-08:00

trembling hands, rapid heartbeat, occasional headaches.
the past year had been like that for me. But all these have gone during the last week of holidays up till now. and i kinda feel that maybe it's coming back again. man. not getting emo here though. Just an attempt to calm myself down.
photog photog photog. the amazing art of capturing images. stories. beauty. achieved skillfully by f-numbers, aperture, shutter speed and ISO. when expectations fail you.
i feel like the 古人 who wrote <<锦瑟>> - speaking in ciricles. hah.
owell owell,“庄生晓梦迷蝴蝶”。
i won't lose it.

2009-01-17T19:05:00.000-08:00

没人能把谁的幸福没收。

gotta stop blogging in chinese man. haas.

2009-01-17T03:35:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since i wrote something. Any something. lol. Inspiration came after cell today and this is it! yay. one day when i review it again i'll see if it still stands haha.
组装。

别说我不切实际
别说我异想天开
当我真的插上翅膀冲上云霄
让你和那个我知道天空其实没有那么高

现在就开始组装
会发亮的翅膀
在灰暗的天空
硬是展翅飞翔
纵然狂风逆着方向
纵然还摸不清去向
但我知道我会到达
想象中的那个终点
（只要我不停的飞不停的找）

现在就要开始组装
没什么来不来得及
这生命只有一次
别甘心做个稻草人
瞒着你的梦想
压抑那些澎湃
不用害怕那些或许
坐在电脑前的稻草人
他没有心跳
或许一切会有结局
或许第一片就是勇气
拣起碎片重新组装
重新找回心跳

Was flipping my book and found this:
我们。

那里有什么让你依依不舍
那里有什么让你的心无法离开
这里又为什么让你一直想逃离
我是不是那个说不出口的原因

你离开吧自由飞走吧
我允许你还你很想要的自由
两个人在一起没有爱
剩下的只是一推无聊承诺
我让你走我放开手

我的借口都已经快用完了
我无法开口我懂你没办法接受
坚守着答应你的一辈子不分开
我真的很疲惫却没勇气伤害你

听见了吗听见我的声音吗
你说很了解我但你看不懂眼泪
难道我要为你放弃想要的一切
你就是我一直没有时间的原因

whoa, tis' such a long long ago thing that i wrote man.

2009-01-15T00:42:00.001-08:00

went to the dentist.
alighted at busstop.
saw rachel and anngi.
visited the dentist.
(time spent waiting more than time spent inside.)
left the dentist.
wait for bus.
saw yingmin and shimin.

Tj.. a place full of past memories.
lol.

2009-01-13T22:08:00.000-08:00

:) new goal :

盧廣仲 :)

2009-01-09T20:29:00.001-08:00

寂寞的城市

刷了牙看过报纸披上盔甲
打开上了锁的铁门
迈进陌生领土

上了车整理今天要批的文件
手机铃声从没停过
开着战车飞奔前进

今天又将开始
新的一回战争
孤独的紧守岗位
一个人奋勇作战

在这个城市里
谁不孤单
谁真的练得刀枪不入
我可以赢得整个世界
却抵不过寂寞
寂寞的城市
城市的寂寞的人

有人期待着
你回来
期待着
当回来时
有人站在门口
说你今天
辛苦了欢迎你回来
回家
期待感觉被人疼爱
期待感觉自己存在
在这寂寞城市
有人期待着
你明白
他不过是要一点
你的陪伴
期盼有一天
一句你有空吗的你的关心
一句你还好吗的体贴
一个我珍惜你的微笑
这要求不算困难吧

家是安全的区域
但怎么家也如此的孤单

2009-01-09T07:15:00.000-08:00

perseverance is a need. to persist is a trap.

2009-01-08T02:33:00.000-08:00

YAY.
It's Mandarin Festival!

---
终於我们不再

为了生命狂欢

为爱情狂乱

然而青春彼岸

盛夏正要一天

一天一天的灿烂

2009-01-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

Found the fans!
After the concert. DRENCHED.

Before the concert, amazing skyline.
Glaring spotlights.
&, chen qi zhen is coming to Singapore!
waiting and on our way there. 300m to STADIUM GREEN!

2009-01-05T16:57:00.000-08:00

不放弃才能够有感动
这一生这一次
为自己抬起头
至少要骄傲的盛开过

2009-01-05T05:44:00.001-08:00

mayday's autograph session should have ended?
0.O

2009-01-04T22:47:00.000-08:00

reviving my chinese blog.
:)
http://mylyrics8mysong.blogspot.com

2009-01-04T20:31:00.000-08:00

彩虹，说穿了，也只是一道光。
悬挂的云，说穿了，也只是一推推水蒸气。
却拼奏起来呈现出让人称奇让文学跋扈狂用的
美丽现象。
世界，说穿了，只是人类和地球互相牵扯的复杂关系，
却又因为这样活着，
世界是多么美丽的一个现象。
世界是多美丽的一个自由想象，
走不完的地方，在梦里我曾到达了。
又何必强求真实感又何必在乎亲身的体验？
却又因为触摸不着碰不着而不甘心
而懊恼而不满足。
互相牵扯的复杂关系
原来也是因为这样而
那么美丽。
每天，那么平凡，
却又谁说一定要屈服
在日复一日的平凡下
谁说明天是一种确定存在着的时间体
如果不是，
平凡是障碍物
构成或有或无的明天的遗憾。
2009。毫无遗憾。活着。牵扯着。勇敢着。跋扈着疯狂着。梦着醒着行走着。到达。偏僻的热闹的。刚强。倔强。固执。抵抗。不迭不朽。活着。美丽着。爱着。

2009-01-04T08:20:00.000-08:00

(no actual picture yet)
frenzy frenzy. superstar(or rather, superband) frenzy :D:D
just came home from mayday's concert (under the 没有星星的星空）..
went there with rachel and the last time we went for li kai di qiu biao mian together! here we are, back with enthusiasm for the band that rocks BIGGGGG time!!
we went there quite late- as usual, like the last time lol- as a result, did not get to stand close to the stage :( i sosososososo badly wanted to go to the front!!
but anw, the first song was 疯狂世界 and yea! hahas. then many more songs, in chronological order of all their albums since the first one. the suddenly, ding dang came. haha like dang dang.
she sang wo bu pa, some english dance song, and cai bu tou. at least she sang cai bu tou haha! but seriously she shudnt haf kept repeating the last few sentences bcos seriously not a lot of ppl know how to sing so much less to follow her. i like her - abit- but i wld very much prefered it to be liang jing ru..
and we kept screaming for guai shou,
who sadly didnt notice us :( bt he did in '07!! :)
it felt quite surreal for me, not becos i was there, but bcos they looked lyk so real, lyk, they are just 5 ppl (tho guan you wasnt real; his father-in-law passed away) on stage, doing their thing, and it's totally imaginable that these 5 ppl may just have performed for their school's talentime.. i mean, any one of us could be one of them up there, travelling around the world, performing. but there they were, standing up on stage, and we, watching down the stage.
last songs were xiao wang ge and le se che. and me and rachel jumped and jumped and waved and waved screamed and screamed (altho we did tat most of the time in the near 3 hours). thank you rachel! for being rachel! nv will forget all those encouragements you gave.
altho in my life, God comes first, then my family, then friends, but my friends really made a whole lot of diff in my life. yesterday i received a new year card(okay, that serves as Christmas card also).. and i read the first sentence and cried aldy. okay, teared. hello person who wrote it! haha, you noe it's you!that's right!! :) and rachel, who went thru 2 of my most amazing years with me, and 2 mayday concerts:) and many others.. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING IN MY LIFE :) ALL OF YOU. :)
after the concert, we went to pick up the fans. as in, literally, the fans. cos we didnt get it when we entered the place!! luckily we saw 2 fans on the ground right after the concert! :) how lucky! on the way out, bought pokka green tea and coke and guess what. each cost $3! lyk -.- one of the rare rare rare near impossible times when i would buy a $3 coke. not like the bottle is plated gold. -.-
the my dad came to fetch us.. he waited lyk 40 min =x BUT HE SAW MAYDAY LEAVE IN THE BUS!!! arghhh.
tmr there's mayday autograph session. i dun haf the tick, but rachel has. and im contemplating whether to go or not. it's a half half situation!!! stuck in tough decision!!
there will be another concert in august. those who have enough money to buy 2 tickets one for you one for me can date me haha! date me date me!! mwahahha.
and i will make guai shou look at me straight in my eyes a goal in my life. HAHA.
& i want the mayday tee and a guitar pls? HAHA.
disclaimer! want to learn guitar not purely cos of mayday kayy. i really really wanna learn to play the guitarrrrr. & i can only play D and A chord now -.-

2009-01-03T21:49:00.000-08:00

我不是什么伟人。
---
today's mayday concert.. hmm.

2009-01-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

God mixes his concoction of clouds in a different way every day. It's so amazing to watch them fluff in an interestingly different way every day.
---
We are given the freedom to make choices. So make smart ones! :)

2008-12-31T09:17:00.000-08:00

was drafting out my t3a (teacher requested for it early so to save the hectic rush next year.) and realised tat i do not have any major achievements. *sobs. Though i kinda enjoyed my outside-the-academic-and-college-world times, it is still practical reality that will hit me hard when it comes to evaluation times like this, when you can't actually pen any practical things into words. But there's not much to regret about. Maybe except for one thing that concerns the choice of my CCA and the choice that i've made in my CCA. but then again, reading back into what happened last year, i don't think, didn't think i had much of a choice either. so owell, God will make a way when there seems to be no way.

A new year has come, with the past year still so real and close and practically, still existing. it's such a weird feeling i've never had before. gone are the excitement, the anxiety, the punch that a new year has arrived and yes, 365 brand new days to vandalise on. There's a weird feeling of.. nothing. Maybe the nothing was derived from everything tht's mixed togehter and i cannot put my finger onto it. But it's really like, okay, it's just yet another new year. and dun let me find out eventually that it is becos i dun believe anymore that a new year would mean a whole new start bcos it doesnt normally turns out that way we hope it to be, but often, it turns out the opposite way. Bcos that would mean that minhui's become pessimistic and brainwashed by the world aldy.. gosh i hate my tone.

but yea, anyway, 09 has come. and i would loveee loveee to breathe. to feel clouds on my fingertips and walk on the milky way again. to figure every human being as humanitarians and to stand by the windowstill watching the tall trees growing tall behind the highrise buildings at 3pm in the afternn and the wind blowing straight at my face washing away every single strain of exhaustion and hopelessness. i would lovee to have all of that come back again.

2008-12-29T04:43:00.000-08:00

I need to buy things! backpack shoes possibly pencilbag and then a pack it all up pill for my life.
I think im recharged. ooh this sounds lyk oozing of enthusiasm and optimism haha.
I know my priorities la, so i dun feel bad. if you think i do haha.

当烟雾随晨光飘散

枕畔的湖已风乾

期待已退化成等待

而我告别了突然

当泪痕勾勒成遗憾

回忆夸饰着伤感

逝水比喻时光荏苒

终於我们不再

为了生命狂欢

为爱情狂乱

然而青春彼岸

盛夏正要一天

一天一天的灿烂

谁说不能让我

此生唯一自传

如同诗一般

无论多远未来

读来依然一字一句

一篇都灿烂

让天空解释着蔚蓝

浮云定义着洁白

落花铺陈一片红色地毯

迎接我们到未来

精彩未完的未来

醒在陌生的地方

镜头变成了刀枪

耳语也变成了真相

吉他告别了肩膀

诗人弃守了边疆

我们活在巨大片厂

幸运的孩子

爬上了殿堂

成果代价都要品嚐

单纯的孩子

是否变了样

跟着游戏规则学着成长

轰轰烈烈的排行

沸沸扬扬的颁奬

跟着节奏我常迷惘

当人心变成市场

当市场变成战场

战场埋葬多少理想

回想着理想

稀薄的希望

走着钢索我的刚强

伟大和伪装

灰尘或辉煌

那是一线之隔

或是一线曙光

每个孤单天亮

我都一个人唱

默默的让着旋律

和我心交响

就算会有一天

没人与我合唱

至少在我的心中

还有个尚未

崩坏的地方

歌手追逐销售量

记者追逐点击量

没有谁比谁更善良

无论天后或天王

无论小兵或老将

曲终人散都要苍凉

期待着彩虹

所以开了窗

窗外只有灼热闪光

所谓的彩虹

不过就是光

只要心还透明

就能折射希望

每个孤单天亮

我都一个人唱

默默的让着旋律

和我心交响

就算会有一天

没人与我合唱

至少在我的心中

还有个尚未

崩坏的地方

其实我们都一模一样

无名却充满了莫名渴望

一生等一次发光

宁愿重伤也不愿悲伤

让伤痕变成了我的徽章

刺在我心脏

永远不忘

默默的让着旋律

和我心交响

至少在我的心中

自己为自己鼓掌

孩子一样
不肯腐烂的土壤

再唱再唱再唱
再唱再唱

2008-12-28T04:36:00.000-08:00

Went to exchange mayday concert tick today with rachel.
was at first so sian! we didn't really really feel lyk going at all, to move our bods out of the house and go all the way to clarke quay, okay acty not very far, but still, purple line, to queue and all that.
bt hey! we got so excited when we got the ticks!! whoohoo~ the queue was quite long, but the wait was not long at all. amazed at their efficiency. we queued only for a, 20 minutes? yay :D
then we talked by the quay for a while.. i tink we are really slowly stepping into a new kind of life? anw, then went to teoheng *for a short while only*.
唱不出口也是种新体验。。
---
Everyday i discover again that life with emotions is so amazing.

2008-12-27T07:33:00.001-08:00

hate ulcers. :(

2008-12-26T05:05:00.000-08:00

i shall be optimistic :)
i shall LIVE LIFE like i'm alive. :)
No one ever said life will be smooth-sailing :)
If squeezing through the narrow door is too painful,
then i will lose weight to walk through the door gracefully. :)
see you, 2009!
I will not be afraid. :)
I will try. :)

2008-12-23T05:49:00.000-08:00

Can't stand watching the little nonya. Too many bad guys haha, cannot stand evil guys. Yaya, disclaimer: their acting are good, that's why they are evil to the bone.
Talking bout drama series haha. just remembered a senseless convo yesterday with wenbin, shiya, guoxiang; got other ppl la, but not same table haas, dun worry, i still do remember that you guys exist!

xiang hai's first wife : cai yun
xiang hai's second wife : ah gui
xiao an's first gf : Joanne
xiao an's second gf : jin jin
xiao an's father : CHA SHAO BING! (hahas to the max.)
hao yi's bf-turned-husband : MELVIN! (double lols.)

credits to wenbin's ultra memory.
HAHAS.

2008-12-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

好想赶快出去做事。。
人类的发展是一种自然，没有所谓好不好。
feel like watching movie :)

2008-12-21T02:04:00.000-08:00

the remains of squad 5..haha. me,kahhui,kahwee, audrey, zoey, germaine.
my zhang-da-le de squad 5 member, audrey!
4 spastic alumni(okay 5, if you can see me ha.) trying to be funny on the leftover leaves from nasi lemak! hahaha.
the food not on plate yet.
POWERPUFF! tubes worn on the outside :X
SHE'S VERY COOL. WONDERWOMAN!
fbt with paper stars. HAHA.
gb farewell happened on friday.
the sec3-gg-on-sec4-batch is freaking cool. 够有种的，the superhero gang!
it kinda brought me (i think all of us) back to farewell '07. especially since they kept mentioning about it on friday.
and i remembered, there was one bonding camp when jieting and sihui pretended to argue with each other, like, very heatedly. i wasn't in camp cause i was sick, and minjie called me to tell me sihui walked off crying and everyone was stunned, nobody dared to confront jieting, everybody started to find sihui. and i was really so ready to leave home to join in the search, when minjie called back to say that it was a pretence so to let the girls understand the importance of unity. ya know, the notion of BONDING.
and there were times, tough times like the preparation for drill comp, when we encourage each other, wrote cards, shared 100plus etc.
and my farewell gift to the sec3'07 batch which me and lp took for drill was of cos, the toy that me n lp shared cost, and also a set of 'DIY jigsaw' with personal notes written on the back of the puzzle. if you put all the pieces you guys have altogether, it wld form a picture, and on the picture, the words 'ONE FOR ALL, ALL FOR ONE.'
what fond memory it brings. the ONE FOR ALL,ALL FOR ONE.
how unique it is, to a uniform group.
and yes, we ARE a uniform group.
keep up the legacy, 65th. and i hope to go back to serve once again.
& help recall back the wonderful spirit of oneforall,allforone..

2008-12-21T01:06:00.000-08:00

看了一集的康熙，有关纪念品的。是叫来宾带来最值得留念的各国纪念品，然后讨论。
看着看着，像上网看的其他人一样，觉得S和蔡康永不尊重来宾，把所有来宾带来的东西都批得一文不值。不过，节目中段，小S讲了这么一句话：“我的回忆全收在脑海里。（所以不需要买无聊又占位的纪念品）” 瞬间我忽然领悟到。脱俗与世俗，高雅与低俗多难以分割。有个网友说：这集太无聊了，对蔡康永太失望了，一直都以为他比较有深度，没想到也不过如此。但我想，不是他变得世俗了吧，或许是因为我们要看的，就是那么世俗的节目，所以为配合我们世俗的观众，所以再脱俗的主持人在主持这样的娱乐节目时也变得世俗了吧。又或许，我们常以为是世俗的人其实比谁都还要不入俗流。就像当来宾黄国荣自以为自己很有深度的反问小S“那你都不纪念你的旅行经验吗？” 而小S就答；“我的回忆全收在脑海里。” 黄国荣又问：“你的脑海够大吗？”　再来Ｓ就敷衍的，为求节目效果的，随便回答：“最近又比较健忘。”　瞬间，本来以为是脱俗的人　高尚了起来，本来以为高雅的人　在那一句自以为了不起的想损他以为低俗的主持人的“你脑海够大吗？”　形象完全瓦解，脱俗也贬为低俗。

2008-12-20T18:29:00.000-08:00

School's gonna reopen soon! arghhh.
About 5 years later i won't be saying this anymore haha. Maybe it'd turn into: 'PH is ending le :( '.
ha, quite sad, every stage of life will have stg to complain about.
mentality..!
Why do i feel like new year is coming and not Christmas? lol.

2008-12-18T03:11:00.000-08:00

everytime the sky turns dark,
there will be a sudden anxiety & insecurity prompting
to finish up whatever that still needs to be done,
as though no work should be done
when the dark of nights falls.

2008-12-17T05:20:00.000-08:00

we always have something to share about.
(though for sulin it's always food that she shares ha.literally.)
Was out with Kahui and yongsheng just now and we chatted for a long period of time. Have been having such talks/chats/interaction/sharing whatever you call it with people recently haha, as though there's always something new, a new topic to analyse and discuss about. Must be careful so that sharing does not become a responsibility and something we've become immuned to.
kahhui coaxed/hoaxed me into buying a cardigan going at 2for$30. She's a tempter. A very good one. though she denies being a spendthrift; so she's a thrifty person who spends on clothes once a week.
i need to use my brain. or it might be gone by the time i reach next year.

2008-12-17T04:50:00.000-08:00

“留下来，不然我跟你走。” -海角7号
just for this sentence i can watch the movie again. :)
是啊，要先相信。
相信后才会有勇气。

2008-12-13T05:42:00.000-08:00

A dragonfly just suddenly appeared in my house last night. This morning i found it lying dead on my library book. It took flight, but then it crashed. His life gone. Although he had wings.
---
I know it is selfish to say that i am tired and that's why i can't muster up enough energy to carry on. I don't have the stamina to keep running. I need my personal time to breathe, although i will not WILL NOT fall into the trap of giving up and hardening my heart. My mind's still clear. Just that i need buffering time. I know it's selfish, but first, let me get out of this first. rejuvenation before pushing my limits further.
For now, i'm really really sorry. really.
more than anything, i need God now.

2008-12-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

Bye bye estee! who should be on the plane now. she's a BIGGG idiot! she's going to France also!
Bye bye Cambodia mission trip people! send our blessings and yours to the people in need there!
Have journey mercy for all of you people.
---
am having a mtg later. which will be quite scary i predict.
drill competition next year. i carn even contact the person i m supposed to work with!
am supposed to fulfill my date with hai jiao 7 hao tdy with keli. But argh! once again cannot make it!
School's gonna reopen soon.(oops, i'm such a wet blanket haha).
-.- + :(

2008-12-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

is this what we call post-camp blues? like post-natal blues, when you feel like something has been removed from the body.. Nope, but doesnt seem like it.

2008-12-09T21:10:00.000-08:00

听完会有种很感动很感动。
It was my favorite song when i was Sec 2.

2008-12-09T20:54:00.001-08:00

i jus finished what i tink is the worst pair of shoes i have ever done.
But then again, i did not do lyk, a lot of shoes yet so haha.
staying at home tdy, cos the rest of the wk will be out. Estee's leaving on Fri, the cambodia ppl on Sat.
Bon voyage!

2008-12-08T19:00:00.000-08:00

BEFORE:AFTER:

(People waiting for 12 and 14)

(Rachel! lol, and her brown praia..)

(haha, angellic Leonard)

(He's seriously close to the shade of BLACK.)

(Tabby!haha, and 看到烂 de cherlyn :X)

It was a short gathering for me, but saw a few faces that i havent seen in ages. :)

2008-12-08T09:25:00.001-08:00

i think i am just one more step to 释怀。
这次很清楚了。。：）
im very happy now. 原来事情不是这样子的。
：）
Relieved, and everything will go back to normal again:)
at least i hope.
at least i see hope more clearly now.
原来其实是我多虑了。原来可以不去想的。
晚安咯，世界。

2008-12-07T21:52:00.000-08:00

I't such a cold day. Raining non stop. wonder how's it like at Sentosa lol.
Anw, was washing the dishes just now. & i almost had frost bite. Brought me to wonder if eskimos ever wash their dishes. Their fingers might well have dropped off long ago if they did. Then i realised. They eat raw meat. So no dishes to wash. Haha. random.
Anw, am gonna meet council ltr. whee:D It's been a longg time now. Done with all the reminiscing, whining and all. Finally at the end of the year, we are going to meet. Though i didnt go for the Sentosa thing, but at least i hope to see them during dinner!:D No chalet whatsoever, but considering this may well be the one and only council outing of the year 2008 and considering next year is BIG A LEVELS year, it's very good aldy:)
&.. TMR I AM GOING TO 唱歌！
yay, of cos, we are going to accomplish a tough mission inside the 包厢 also, but haha, 志也在于唱歌！
Hols gonna end soon (awww..). the slightest thought of chemistry really really puts me off. How can anybody(Eileen) go to UK just to study chem?! i dun get it. But anw. What's done is done. Wish me good luck for next year..=.=
Came across this sentence i like a lot:
‘拥抱着却不被拥抱。’
I (L) 华语。
haha, blogspot didnt really liaise with msn.
I 希望热忱不会因外在/内在的任何因素而改变。。

2008-12-07T09:11:00.001-08:00

Ooo it's my 301th post.
舍不得睡觉。
But if i dun sleep now i will suffer tmr. so owell.
Good night, world.

2008-12-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

Such a sad sad story:'(
Okay, but anw i shall blog bout Im in Him afterall.
Day One
I was pretty nervous even before the registration. Becos of some background work that you know. Yepp. So i was talking to Shuling and SuHuai and yepp that was how i spent the time before registration. Of cos, also go prepare the stuff for IBG and the water babies.
Btw, the camp comm stayed over on sunday also, and the rehearsals for opening ceremony was done only on monday morning.
Then, registration's over, everyone settles inside zheng tang. The whole movie thing started.
We acted, there was the ppt cum video and all. Atmosphere was right. & the only-got-once-rehearsal opening ceremony ended with the party popper thing that jason and cherlyn activated. This is number 1. (ltr will say what these stands for). Then when Log Head (haha, mu tou) went up to do his reporting and stuff, i rushed out to meet the station masters for IBG. haha, that was when peiwenjie rushed out to tell me Chin Hee finished his reporting and im supposed to go in.
So i did.
and i did the explaining and stuff, and they went to do their identities.Apparantly a lot of people wanted nachos as their group names lol. mei chuang yi de yi qun jia huo.. But anw, yar, the scissors werent sharp. But each group had their identities done anyway. Haha, qing cao. Really made me reminded of Chee Soon. Like seriously.
Kay, then was the IBG. It's called 'here is the love'. but i dun think anyone got the title. but owell haha.
marg jie made me the photographer cos i was walking arnd overseeing everything. Yay SLR. but okay, yepp. then the cloud

paiseh. was very overwhelmed by the songs. okay, yar. so the clouds. the clouds began to lyk totally add a lot of weight, i.e. threatening to rain. hanging very low.
and i was very very scared. like really. i prayed and prayed. i said, 'God, i have faith in You.' over and over. i asked marg jie n wanling to pray together with me. okay,the speaker's blasting at me. okay but anw, God held the rain for a while, and i was really glad. Sinyee shared same feelings, cos hers is the only station that was really outdoors. But after that, it rained. i was quite discouraged, but i told myself, someone else is praying for rain and she/he needs it more than i dont need it. and i thought, yar, at least the groups had fun, as apparantly i see. But, looking back, i didnt really shi huai that feeling of being well, discouraged. But i've gotton over it.:) later tell you all why.

Then was the waterbabies ceremony. Oh i forgot to say! the part when purple groovy found the treasure and locked the door and green grass came and bang on the door was really encouraging for me! i love to see this kind of ji dong hua mian:) okay, hten about the waterbabies. paiseh sia, i really donno it will become lyk tat,lyk humongous and unable to gauge which container contains more. nor did i expect that some will grow smaller than others. i.e.the red and orange ones. But luckily no one complained about it. thanks!
then after taht was all the bs and dinner and stuff, then was the 85 game; they say it's called makan sutra 85.
again, i didnt play cos i need oversee. and i went around, and was really glad that omgosh i love this song:

huai nian~
okay, anw yepps, really glad to see the groups running about, lyk chionging, sweating, gulping food down. But disclaimer! the ice jelly clue is not jus about the sign looking lyk jelly man! that was supposed to be the best clue la-.-
it's cos it's called agar agar, ie. estimation. so is iced agar agar! not the look lyk jelly thing sia.
okay, yepp, then my group went up first. kay, i haf to say. i was really glad, happy, to see LP in her old chionging self. i guess i missed all the old people in their old selfs. it;s been a long time since we did such things togehter and i really missed those times, missed the her. LP if u see this dun comment haha, if not very gg. yar, so i was realyl glad htat first day games went pretty well. Very glad that they had fun.
Day Two
am only going to blog bout the prog.
I was station master. But i played yanbing's station with my group! haha, very long nv play games aldy:) we won 3 diamonds there~whee.
kay, then few groups went to play my station. and the sky looked really unpromising. man, this song!

haha, okay. yar. and i was really worried, cos this time it was at east coast. if rain suddenly really die. and i was reminded of waht happened yesterday. but i tink God's grace brought us through; at the end it didnt rain. but just htat few groups came to the bbq pit area cos they clogged abner's station at mac's there. so was not really well thought thru on our part. and so pai seh to the station masters who put in so much effort into preparing, esp vivien! paiseh! :X
yar, and the prog overan by quite a lot; altho in the end managed to salvage some time by making arrangements. wasnt' there for auction; was practising for night of worship; so sad! i wanted to witness the auction:(
kay, so the practise. Si kai ge scolded us. becos it was just noise. and worship shudnt be lyk tat. it was lyk an insult to God. which we all felt so also, lyk ever since the start of this band thing. so yar, prac was short, cos vanessa need use the place for her own band prac oso. so that was it, and it was left hanging there, everyone's worried and tan te bu an.
and hten, it was the night of worship. before that i was so eager to go back to prac, bcos for those involved in it, they know that it's really in a state of CMI. but end up we had onlky 15 min to prac b4 the thng starts. & i so wanted to pray, so after 1 song i asked ale to stop, and just pray. hope for the best. & abner. he told me that he was stressed. and at that time i felt quite touched, like this little brother, feels the feeling of taking ownership of his job. and i was pretty happy actually, not saddistic. but glad cos feels that he has grown up upon this experience.
And when we were doing the thng, i tink everyone felt that God was within us. Bcos, it was the best really, the best, rundown we ever had. EVER. and abner also shared that God took over his drumsticks. Which i really felt so also. Becos it really went lyk, without hiccups. not even wiht jason's tabs. This is number 2.
Day Three
Hort park. i played. haha. 3rd time walking the trail. but had fun, cos wehad bonding within the group. took fotos. YIRONG! THE FOTOS! okay. yepp. was seriously overun. at night, white funeral. teared, cos of the movie, and cos cherlyn n ys went up to share. both from MusT. and touched by our progress since start of the cell. lyk, we now consider not only struggling with our own faith, but with other people's faith also.
chatted with Rachel and Yanbing till late. Shared something i didnt even remember to share with cell that night. i didnt even konw it is significant to share with until yb say it is. i tink probably God wants me to realise that it is nt just a sometimes kinda thing..? kay, so that was it. I dunno if i haf the burden for this group member of mine, but i feel responsible for her.
Day Four
pack up. a mistake: we didnt prepare well for closing ceremony.
kay, but anw we camp comm + pengpeng:D went to 18chef's for lunch-dinner. had quite a fun time. after taht left lowell, chinhee, pengpeng:D, cher and me. and we played the indian poker game with a stake. HAHA. chin hee keep wanting to do me in but end up he drank that pepper thing many more times than i did:D but he had his revenge by spilling accidentally tho the thing on my foot -.-
yar, we bought banana split for lowell for his belated bday haha/. and we indeed sang a bday song! lol. and the waiter asked whose bday was it, cos they haf candles and we were lyk haha, it's aldy belated. but still, the waiter was nice enuf to ask:D and i tink alll the waiters there are very nice, each time i go there, they very tie xin:D
yepp, so that was basically it. was really tired/
and as i shared over and over again, i didnt feel much spiritually this time. but i guess it's okay yea.
but am really glad to see pple lyk estee coming back. haha, her blog rites that i quoted ' this camp is for you'. cos i really felt so la, lyk tying in with all her concerns she had b4 the camp. i tink this camp raelly really made miracles for her and i hope it stays with her:) lky, no matter waht happens in time to come even.
and for LP, i feel tat as compared to last time, we;'ve shu yuan-ed. But the camp made me see the old ehr again. and, you mo ming de kuai le lor, lyk i didnt realyl lose this very very goood friend. corny, but yea, my best friend. altho we nv really tok much aldy, nv really go out together,but i believe there's still this mo qi betw us. cultivated over a period of years. and i hope this will carry on for many more years.
& after the camp, i m raelly tired. Not so much physically. but this i shall not say here. yepp.
back to reality, one month ahs passed. & i so hate reality. But im not supposed to.
so yea. i dunno.
i just wanna sing for now.
oh yea. the numbers thing i said earlier. yar, those were the times i felt God's grace for us during the camp. not very deep deep kind, but it's definitely not us that kinda feeling. yepp. The whole camp is, i guess, considering the way we plan. the way we don keep to deadlines and all.
& i guess i've come to terms again, God's love for me. after listening to ding dang's ming bai(in my previous post). He speaks in all sorts of different ways but nv fails to convey the message when he means to.
I wrote this in response:
你只是要我明白
明白你对我的爱
这世上没有人爱我比你更多

你只是要我明白
你一直用你的方式
默默却从不停止的爱我

你让我们能够
跨进你神圣宝殿
你不愿意放手放弃我们
看见你所创造的沦落在黑暗中

没有人会比造我者更爱我
没有人能够改写这件事实
你一直用你的语言
对我说孩子，我一直都爱着你。
过去现在和未来。
我的爱对你永远不变。
------------------------

怀念~

2008-12-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

如果有一天
我们再见面
时间会不会倒退一点
也许我们都忽略
互相伤害之外的感觉

我想唱歌。

2008-12-06T04:39:00.000-08:00

累了累了累了累了累了累了累了累了累了累了累了。
But there are things to do.
Things that seem only right to do.
Choices to make.
Choices that tear you apart.
Cannot live in denial, even in sleep.
Cannot push the blame to poor 'Growing up' anymore.
It is unfair to do that still.
Time to move on and analyze the problem.
Have enough of deluding myself that it is just
part of growing up.

2008-12-04T23:03:00.000-08:00

i wont be blogging about the camp..
i found the word to describe my occasional emotional breakdowns:
Malaise.
nope, not proud of it. But ntg wrong with it neither.

2008-12-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

信，不只是因为在某个时间里感受了某些真实。
信，因为有万种理由去相信。。。
I always believe that the human race degenerated in terms of intelligence. All man-made creations have to originate from something that already exist. i.e. no such thing as pure man-made creations, only inspired creations.
And the creations that first existed have to come from somewhere.
That somewhere is where all creations engender from.

2008-12-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

什么都别说
我不想懂
至少我还拥有美丽的梦
什么都别说
我真的不想懂
终于明白该放手

2008-11-28T05:41:00.000-08:00

叹息...

2008-11-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

Argh. Can't stand ants.
Today's Day 2 programmes recce. I don't think, not really, that the problem lies with the games lol. It lies with the comm who're playing the games. We need model campers! :)
But anw, besides a really gloomy sky, it went pretty well.. & thank God it didn't rain. Please Please Please cannot rain on that day.
Okay, tmr's gonna be another messy day. I need more water babies. Where to get them?
睡了。

2008-11-25T07:14:00.000-08:00

have you ever tried
staring blankly into space
hear someone inside crying
wanting to jump into outer space.
The city dulls as night falls
you know you should sleep
and wake up breathing the new air of today.
You are very tired
your body can't straighten
listen to motorbikes skidding on the roads
as though they are riding on your heart.
Wishes for some peace
Dunch noe what caused you to need it in the first place.
Surrender to this night
and not try to be a savant of philosophy trying to crack the mystery of tonight.

2008-11-24T05:35:00.000-08:00

擅作决定让我挺不安定的。
But anw, today's so peaceful. well, quite.
Till i'm pretty bored now. Slacking time off. Feels bad.
m supposed to do hol hwrk.
but eversoft got into my eyes.
HAHA.
wat lousy reason.
but owell, i hope to have the discipline to finish stuffs off.

2008-11-23T05:03:00.001-08:00

my whole world now revolves around renai camp.. well, kind of.
Now that most of the loose knots have been sort of tied, i feel at least a little more at ease, and in fact, a little excited about this camp! especially when i got to know that some campers are pretty excited about it. Feel the responsibility to not disappoint them.. Okay, and not disappoint Him who gave me the task to do.
Sigh. haha, literally, cause that's what i did. I still feel kinda messed up now. It's been a long time since i need to 'be enthu' and stand in front of campers to you noe, hype up atmosphere. It's lyk going thru another orientation with the new sec ones.. lost the momentum aldy. Not sure if i can still do it after a year of well, not doing it haha. But i have to, so i tink i will.. i dun noe wat i toking about.
having a slight sore throat now. trip to sentosa burnt me. haha.
there's work tmr. CAN I JUST QUIT? :( that's y i hate working :( but circumstances... ... ...!
Hope that everything will go on fine. lyk, just everything. Everything in my life, in everybody else's lives..
Actually above all, i hope this 2009 year will fly past me. Don't care if i am a 17 going on to 18 nxt year aldy.
I tink, these are the horrible 2 years in my entire life so far.
cos i am worrying bout the coming year during my current year.
And that's very very very bad. But i cant seem to control it-yet.
Haix, but i'll try..
没什么了不起的，没什么大不了的。
& life still goes on.

2008-11-20T03:16:00.000-08:00

我把头转过去
假装不在意
碎了的梦边角没抹平
擦伤我的心藏

眼角还微湿
头还在晕眩
我想
犹豫真的就是重生之前的过渡期
蝉要长出翅膀破茧而出
那一秒狭窄空间里挥舞新生翅膀的欲望
培育了下一秒自由的若狂喜悦

眼角的梦还微湿
还不想坠下我的脸庞

2008-11-20T00:46:00.001-08:00

Today is programmes dry run for day one.
& I promised sinyee i will acknowledge on the blog that
I LOVE YOU! :D
Haha. She's really enthu and nice!
and I LOVE ALL THE STATION MASTERS ALSO!
Thanks thanks thanks thanks!
Hopefully it will be a wonderful camp:)
& Abner, haha, besides being a even worse late comer than me,
was still a pleasure working with you.
Refreshing experience! haha.
Let's hope-and pray- that this camp will be :D:).

2008-11-19T06:56:00.001-08:00

I LOVE MY STATION MASTERS:)
YOU GUYS ROCK!

2008-11-19T06:36:00.000-08:00

The below are things i saved in my hp draft folder when i walk around randomly and have inspiration. But it's choking up my phone space so must delete :D
看海浪像皱折般洗上沙滩。
是不是真的说，人不为己天诛地灭；那人人为我我为人人又怎么了？
过滤了爱收拾了爱筛选了爱还能不能算爱？
犹豫是重生前的过渡期。
人类的情绪思绪被当成种投资。如果我们的心是种硬币，大家应该都面临破产了吧。
物质上得到了更多，心大概就越空吧。

2008-11-16T03:27:00.000-08:00

我想起那时候院子里我们的欢笑声
如今连风也吹不走的寂寞回荡在这里
只能说幸福很脆弱
这场战它好像又输了。

2008-11-15T07:49:00.000-08:00

It's the period of time when u need to go out like 7days a week but when ur parents don't like the idea of losing a child..

2008-11-13T06:51:00.000-08:00

Let's blog about life:)
Went to church to finish up the publicity stuff. How weird and uncomfortable it is to be unable to say pubpub anymore :( cos in ASC, it's called renaissance.
yepp. I think.. i finished the publicity! whee:)
Then after that went to bras basar with yanbingjie. was so not as exciting as other ppl oways tell me. It's just another people's park! But anw, i saw wat i wanted so yea:D
Was pretty bothered just now when all the 柴米油盐 issues pop up again. Bt well, ive since got over it.
It's pretty dangerous to listen to hou qing chun qi de shi halfway.
Till nxt time.
God bless.

2008-11-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

thanks to all who've helped me.
thanks a zillion: )

2008-11-12T05:03:00.001-08:00

shall not elaborate too much bout the festival trip with kahhui. was fun tho! but nt enuf time:( can go check out the fotos at facebook or my flickr acc if u bother to:D
Me lagging behind time. 时针走得太快太快。月亮还没圆，太阳已升起。

2008-11-11T17:19:00.000-08:00

当你被误解
没有人想听你说话
没有人想用心了解你
你无声的哭泣就算有人听到也装作若无其事

我已精疲力尽
我很软弱很无助
我却不能放弃
不能自私的不负责任

面对阻攘该怎么办
好不好我们都别逞强
心围的围墙就让它坍塌
那一点点仅有的希望
也让它稀薄的散去

面对阻攘该怎么办
好不好我们都勇敢
心外围的一切阻碍物
都别去理也别去太在意
我们紧握住彼此的手
硬着头皮用受伤的翅膀
倔强的飞旋天空我们征服

2008-11-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

happy~:):):)
that tagboard there is a good communication medium!because of it i contacted long lost senior kelina!! Haha. chatted with her online for pretty long. woah, it'd been a really long time since i last contacted her. Glad to see that she's still about the same as lyk, 3-4 years ago.
:) happy.

2008-11-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

yay! finished-98% at least-2 video, 2 ppts, and outline of camp!
whee~
boo! not finished: revision for chemistry, reading the lib books, 1 video, poster, invitation cards, gathering of station masters, gathering of materials, decor and food.
er, pros and cons?

2008-11-11T02:39:00.000-08:00

whee. Tmr no work. can finally finally go to binnale with KahHui le! whee.
man, felt really really terrible yesterday. Felt lyk i could just faint on the roadside if i decide to give in to the feeling of being weak. Worked till around 4 yesterday, then went back home to change-and eat- then went to Estee's house for christmas stuff. Then we went to IKEA, and the shuttle bus took its own sweeeeet time to come. But owell, it's free:D but anw, point is, the naseous feeling was soo soo horrible, and on the way back home i really felt like woah, i could just fall and faint by the road. Horrible.
But after a nite's sleep, and a not-so-bad work day today, yay, im alright again! whee.
and tmr is DAY OFF. wheehoo.
& Deborah just commented that mayday's new album sucks. Like how is that possible man. It's like one of their best so far! :O
Okay, im a little defeated alr, cos i wanted to -really- revise my work during the hols. But looking at how things are going now, i doubt seriously doubt that any revision can take place :(:(:'(
Haix, God gives grace!!
&.. i need to spend more time with my family le, i realised. :D