Tuesday, September 01, 2009 3:02 AM
today's the eve of the official start of my prelims paper. GP paper takes off tomorrow at 8. so i thought i would jot down some thoughts now to serve as memory - good or bad - years down the road.
these 2 years have been like a massive overwhelming i dont know.. flood? something of that nature and something of that scale. It's truly a test of character and determination; a test of emotional and psychological strength, which i know may sound weak at this point in time considering that so many people have taken the same path, felt the same way, except to complain less. but i guess, life's gotta be like tat. this is my first glimpse to life on a larger scale; the glimpse into a full picture depicting what life would be. my first obstacle at the age of 18, not a seriously major one, but one that is enough to make me feel tired and drained. and i guess the exams thing, the rat race, paper chase all of those excesses that overspilled from a local education is just a trigger to overturn any concealing stones inside me that were hiding all the ugly weaknesses i had in me.
and that's when change is going to happen.
having had a really smooth sailing life for 16 years in my life, no major hiccups (okay, except some) that really caused me to go boo-hoo everyday in the week. that's why i think of this experience now as a learning one, a process of rediscovering (or discovering) what is inside me and to change all that need to go and to store up all that is good. The enormous unknown still lurks beneath the surface, but i am learning, to let go... and of cos, what i have been reminded of again and again and still learning to do so... to let God.
I guess this is the most crucial lesson i have learnt at the end of the day; maybe the only lesson that i am supposed to learn.
that apart from God, we are like branches fit only to be thrown into fire.
I really really need God's strength, and many may say that this is yet another piece of evidence that only the weak relies on God; but i think this is how God disciplines His child. To break me down and pick me up again, becos i was so stubborn; and deliriously self-righteous; not conscious at all to the things that i have overlooked. i thought too that i knew how to be focused, how to be determined; i thought i was a person of high EQ; i believed - i truly did- that there is a solution to every problem. But now, i have a new perspective; that there is a solution to every problem, but only when you solve it with God. that's the ultimate solution that definitely leads to the right way; the will of God which therefore will surely lead to only good things.
it is from this seemingly insignificant problem that raised me to awareness of so many things- including myself, including my faith.
If i were the people who listened to my grumblings and well, misery, ya, i would scorn in my heart and label her as loser. i did even question myself, why am i such a loser. but hey, a follower of Jesus leads a victorious life, and i am going to claim that. I am now aware of that and i am gonna claim the victory i have in Jesus; whatever form the victory takes.
To the me who might be reading this a few years later, remember what took place during this period of time. Don't forget this lesson again. ever.