Wednesday, October 01, 2008 9:41 AM
i'm suddenly so filled with emotions i have to blog it out.About my life. my past. my present. the future.
The past has gone. Took me a little while to register that and to really let it go. Took me pretty long actually. 7-8 months.
Guess i was unable to put down all that i had collected the past 4 years.. All the good times, the bad times, the achievements, the friends, the memories, the works, the everything. The glory even. It was something i was really proud of, a part of my life i know i have not wasted it off. I truly knew what joy was during that 4 years, which had also started off pretty bad, with all the re-adjustments and all. From someone with low self-esteem and a potential ah lian, a few major decisions changed the direction of my life and shaped entirely a completely new journey for my sweet 15year old life. It was this sweetness i have experienced that made the farewell part a painful one. Noone wants to leave something good. For something that you know might not turn out as good as this.
But things have to move on. And i did. Slo..w..l..y.. and really slow...l..y adjusting to this system, i guess i can safely say i am out of the transition times. No more tears of nostalgia, of struggles, or nights of loneliness. I guess i have really stepped out of the small little comfort zone in search for a bigger one that can accomodate a now bigger me.
And i am still not as happy as i once was before. This i cannot deny. Those were the prime years. The most crucial things that have happened happened there and then. But as long as the tears don't come back anymore, i guess it's not too bad a progress.
And i am now in search of a new direction.
I have not given up hope on my dream. I know some people thought that i had. But no i have not. Although i have come face to face with the face of reality, but that does not mean that i will give up yet. I am not striving hard for it, neither am i giving up hope. I guess i am hanging on, with hope?
And i guess i have found my new direction. Which might be in photography. I dunno. I was never interested in it, never been exposed to it before. But i guess i am getting more and more into it? despite the fact that yes, i do not have my own camera. digital or SLR. It's just a seed. No one knows if it would grow.
My passion for language. Whether or not it would take me far, i do not know. Honestly, no one knows. Till now i am not sure if i have the talent in it to even be able to carry me to bring me go further.
But well, i guess when we grow older, these things will grow with us such that we will be able to see them more clearly with their blown up sizes.
As optimistically of me saying, yar, it's just one more miserable year, but honestly, 12 months doesnt seem that short in fact. The painful, un-ignorable fact that there's still a BIG A'S coming after you in a few months' time is not something to look forward to, especially when the biG P just came and went.
But well. Life's just like this. You face it, fulfill it, and move on.
But moving on is tough aint it.
farewell after another.
rites of passage of life.
unimaginable to think that there will be another farewell just a few months later.
it's 1am in the morning, i am sitting in front of the PC, welcoming a new day.
The sky's still dark, the city's still quiet.
But the clock tells me that time has moved on, and it is now, a brand new morning.
When every single nitty gritty of the world's logic prompts me to move on, can i not?
I grabbed a piece of the past and stepped into the future, with hope, with strength, with lots of courage.
Everything can fail me, but i guess love will never fail me.
Not the kind of fallible love, but love. the BIG BIG KIND OF LOVE. the love that keeps mankind going. From God, from people, from nature.
i guess they are all interconnected, aint they?
'In living everyday, by the power of Your love.'
and i think i am glad, really, reading some of their everyday lives and find out that they have moved on too.
:)